PopConsumer: The Problem with Perfectionists and Friendships

I read a couple of articles today that had me nodding my head in recognition. One was about perfectionism and the other was about being a bad friend. I think these two are related and in a way that I bet many people might recognize as well.

The first was about an issue that clearly resonated with lots of readers of Carolyn Hax's advice column in The Washington Post. Hax's column was her second on the question of taking back friends who had gone silent for long periods of time. The top comment was this:

I went radio silent on my three oldest, closest friends in the world a few years ago. Not going into details, but suffice it to say, it was 100% my fault, I was 100% lame, and it kept going because I was ashamed of my behavior. In my head, I crafted letters to each of them countless times.

Then FB happened, and each of them friended me. But I never commented on their stuff or liked anything, because that seemed lame -- to do that before sending that mythical letter of apology and olive branch offering.

Then terminal cancer happened, and we got together yesterday (well, two of them, one lives far away, but we got a an appropriate sub who I also have known for over 25 years).

When I tried to apologize for being an ash and a lousy friend, they would have NONE of it. It was a fantastic day.

I have this great knack of choosing the most amazing, grounded, generous of heart, and caring friends.

The second article was about perfectionism. It was, being that it's Buzzfeed's world and we just live in it, presented as a listicle. Item number 1 resonated the most with me:

Perfectionism often starts in childhood. At a young age, we're told to reach for the stars -- parents and teachers encourage their children to become high achievers and give them gold stars for work well done (and in some cases, punishing them for failing to measure up). Perfectionists learn early on to live by the words "I achieve, therefore I am" -- and nothing thrills them quite like impressing others (or themselves) with their performance.

Unfortunately, chasing those straight A's -- in school, work and life -- can lead to a lifetime of frustration and self-doubt.

If you read the whole perfectionism article, it seems clear that the bad friend behavior described in the comment above was driven, at least in a good part by perfectionism.

I definitely got the message in childhood that an identity as a high achiever was preferable to to a messier, more complex and authentic self. And, like most girls, I was certainly conditioned by the world to be a people-pleasing good girl. I think it's a message that is likely familiar to many women, African-American children of striving, talented tenth type or aspiring families or first generation kids of immigrants. I'm all three and I'm good at math.

I can be a workaholic, a procrastinator and a people pleaser but I work on tamping down the less desirable aspects of perfectionism by practicing not letting perfect be the enemy of good all the time. And I can be less a good communicator with friends as I would like to be. It has nothing to do with them and everything to do with me and wanting everything in life to be perfect is part of it.

At the end of her perfectionism post, author Carolyn Gregoire quotes Brene Brown:

Brown's remedy? Try practicing authenticity. Let others see you, exactly as you are, and let go of the protecting shield of perfectionism in order to express vulnerability.

"Authenticity is a practice and you choose it every day," she says, "sometimes every hour of every day."

So today I'm letting others see me a bit with this post both because it's good for me and because I suspect I'm not alone and that's worthy of a blog post. Also, I emailed a friend I haven't talked to in a few months, out of the blue, just to say "hi." Putting one foot in front of the other.

Finally, because one is supposed to include a photo with every blog post, here is a random photo of tomatoes. They're growing, I'm growing. Enjoy!